On March 12, 2000 my predecessor Pope John Paul II apologized for 2000 years of "sins" committed by the church. This was a good start, but he did not go far enough.

In my name and in the name of my illustrious predecessors all the way back to Simon Peter, I apologize for the evils the Church has inflicted upon the world and resolve to do something about it. I am giving the buildings of the Vatican to the Smithsonian Institution to become the a world Museum of Cruel Illusions. We will sell off the most valuable properties and artworks elsewhere and start a philanthropic trust to help people in need. Ten percent of the annual interest earned by the trust will go to clergy abuse victims. I urge all the victims to come forward, make your case, and get your check. I am also giving $15 million dollars to Jim Krefft and Steve Duplantier to fund their film, Visiting Sunday. It's a fine script and deserves to be produced. I am urging people of good will everywhere to support this production in any way they can. Other portions of the trust fund monies will go to disaster victims and victims of religious persecution and ethnic hatred worldwide.

We have blasphemed. In the name of the holy Jewish prophet Jesus we have caused the unnecessary deaths of millions of innocent people.

We apologize for the persecution, torture and murder of the so-called  "heretics." These were honest seekers after truths that were not consistent with the Church's lust for power and control. We killed those who got in our way. To the hundreds of thousands of the unorthodox whom we caused to suffer and die for their beliefs, we are sorry.

We apologize to the Muslims for the ethnic cleansing wars we called the Crusades. Using God's name and with the holy cross emblazoned on our shields and tunics, crusaders raped, maimed, tortured and killed hundreds of thousands of the peoples of the Near East solely for the purpose of stealing their land and wealth. We lied when we said "Deus Vult"--God wills it. God did not will it.

We apologize for the persecution of the Jews throughout the ages. We did this to the people who gave us our prophet Jesus. Indeed, Christianity is little more than a successful heresy of Judaism, yet we isolated and killed Jews with impunity. We burnt Jews at the stake because we blamed them for the Black Plague that swept over Europe.

To the millions of women of the Middle Ages whom we tortured and burnt as witches, we are sorry. You were not witches but wise women who threatened us. You were not in league with the "Devil."  There are no devils in Hell, only the embodiment of evil here on Earth--the institutional Church of Rome. How else could we explain what we did to these millions of women as we tortured their bodies with absolute cruelty and burnt what was left at the stake, all the while muttering prayers and making the sign of the cross.

To the millions of Indians of the New World whom we murdered outright in unholy wars of conquest and colonization, we are sorry for your suffering and death. Our black-robed missionaries were at the side of the conquering assassins, cross and scripture in hand. We forced those whom we did not kill to be baptized at point of sword and dagger. Is it any wonder you resisted such a religion and such a deity who would sanction such cruelty. God did not tell us to do this. We did it to get your gold, silver and lands. We did it to  make you our slaves.

Let's not forget that the church endorsed the slavery of Africans. How many deaths this caused will never be known.

We apologize to the thousands and thousands of young boys and girls, adolescents and young adults whom our pederastic and pedophilic priests sexually abused and raped. These crimes go back for decades, even centuries and we did nothing. No one kept track of the abuse victims and they are lost in time and their own ruined lives. To all the victims of clergy sexual abuse, we are sorry. We accept responsibility for the sexual crimes because it was our official written church policy to cover up the criminal activity and hide it from civil authorities. We kept the sexual criminal priests in our ranks., moving them from parish to parish solely to keep the churches staffed and in order to keep the money flowing in. We deliberately lied in order to keep the sexual criminals  from prosecution and with unbelievable cruelty and conspiring with the sexual deviants,  did nothing to protect the innocent victims. There is no greater sin than this, and yet this was the official church policy for decades, and indeed still is, up until our confession, which we make today.

Today I, Benedictus XVI, the last Pope, abjure my past behavior as Prefect of the Congregation of the  Holy Office. I apologize to the theologians and intellectuals who whom I have condemned and silenced. They were only trying to understand and explain a baffling church and a naive faith in a cruel institution.

When I realized how evil the church has been for more than 2000 years, I decided that the world would be better off without it. Not everything we have done has been evil, but the bad far outweighs the good. Therefore, with the self-proclaimed papal powers of infallibility (how convenient is that?), I hereby, ex cathedra, now and forever, without the possibility of reversal, dissolve and cancel the former Holy Roman Catholic Church.

I know this will cause some consternation among the faithful. Our Lord said he is with us until the end of time. My actions today are proof that this is true.

What is next? To the Cardinals, archbishops and bishops, and members of the Curia, I say shut up and go home. I'll meet you at the unemployment agency. See if anyone is advertising for "pompous, obsequious assholes." You'll get a job quickly.

To our good priests ( I guess there are a few left), go back to school and get a degree in social work and make yourselves useful.  Oh, and get married too. All that stuff about celibacy was a pack of lies. To the many Gay priests, go find a nice partner and open an art gallery.

To the nuns and members of religious orders, I urge you to fight for social justice. Get on picket lines and march against fascism and imperialism everywhere you find it. If you live in the U.S, go to Crawford,Texas and help Cindy Sheehan fight the U.S. government's useless and illegal war in Iraq.

To the billion Catholics of the world, I am sorry for what your former church has done. Maybe you can forgive us. Liberal Catholics should join the Unitarians. Middle of the road Catholics can become Presbyterians or Methodists. Conservative Catholics can join the Baptists or Lutherans. Stay away from those non-denominational churches and especially anything having to do with Jerry Falwell or Pat Robertson and the so-called “Religious Right.”

It's OK if you want to forget Christianity, I do understand. I recommend Buddhism. I read the other day that a young 15 year old boy in Nepal is believed to be the reincarnation of the Buddha --Prince Siddharta himself. Amazing. I never thought Buddha would beat Jesus in coming back to Earth, but apparently he has. Send your money to the Dalai Lama. By the way I have asked the Dalai Lama to oversee the dissolution of the Church.

What about me, The Big Ratz, heh, heh, heh. See I still have a sense of humor. And you all thought I was this sadistic, ex-Nazi Grand Inquisitor. I am going to begin a five-year public penance. Tomorrow I will be at Michelangelo International Airport in Rome in my white cassock cleaning the urinals in the mens rooms of the airport. I will do that until noon each day, at which point I will kneel on gravel on a small raised platform in the center of the main concourse. I will stay there until midnight, at which time I will eat a meal of stale bread and tap water, then sleep on the terrazzo floor until 5:00 am the next morning. After five years of penance and humiliation, I will work in a soup kitchen in Trastevere until I die.

I know this will be a shock to everyone, but believe me, it's the right thing to do.

Ave atque vale. It is finished.

Benedictus XVI, the Last Pope.

 

 

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